Empty pockets, open hands

There are a lot of things in this life that don't make sense to me. Why do certain people have to face certain struggles? Why is there so much suffering? How can I accomplish God's plan for my life with so much evil and distraction in the way? But then there are those things in life that make perfect sense, but that doesn't make them any easier. When you sin, you know it. There's a lump in the back of your throat and your stomach gets knotted. You feel weird around other people, just acting like everything is okay. And most of the time, you know what steps you need to take to find healing. Going to God is the obvious answer. Confess to Him what you've done and how you're feeling, and he will forgive you, no matter what you've done. He promises that. But what about when you know that you need to take more steps, that you can't just keep it between you and God? Well, that's the "doesn't make them any easier" part.

God knows what you need before you even come close to needing it. That's hard to understand and remember. I know. In my current situation, he has placed people in my life that have gone through the same thing many years ago that I'm going through now. Funny how God works like that. We need each other. We weren't meant to go through life alone. One of my biggest fears, as hard as it is to admit this, is what other people will think of me. If I tell them how I'm struggling, will they judge me? Will they ever look at me the same way again? Can they forgive me and still love me?

As I was told yesterday, and I so desperately needed to hear this... I need to get over myself. So often I get the idea that people won't love me if I mess up. "No way can I be lovable and viewed as a decent human being after I tell them what I did." Everyone screws up. Everyone makes mistakes. We're called to listen to and pray for each other in these times. It's not anyone else's job to label me. God has labeled me, and my label says "forgiven and loved."

James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." I want God to change me and work in me. I want Him to help me be more open with my feelings and my needs. I want to be a person that others know they can come to and be honest. I also want to be better at prayer. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to impress God. But he needs me to be real with my brokenness and tell Him just what I need. He is faithful. And His healing won't always look the way I want it to. I have to be okay with that.

One of my most important take-aways from this week is that I don't have to do anything to earn God's love. He loves me immeasurably more than I'll ever know. And I am grateful.

"Tell me I'm forgiven and loved 

'Cause I hear it from the street corner priests

Oh how God is love and how man can be clean 

But my joy has been on holiday

And my peace has almost passed away 

Tell me I'm forgiven and free

Oh I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation

But I bought the lie 'I still have work to do'

Now I'm workin' 9 to 5 like I can earn my own salvation

But there is no condemnation in You 

...

Oh He died, He died to rectify my hopeless situation

And his blood commands my guilt to leave 

Now on Calvary I stand

Empty pockets, open hands

Oh there is no condemnation for me!"

-Forgiven and Loved 

by Jimmy Needham